"Shocking" 14 Year Old (from Imamother)

Now, everyone knows how much I like Imamother.com. It is an excellent website if you're ever looking for a good laugh. It's filled with oversheltered mothers and overprotective baal teshuvas. It was time for a new blog post so I headed over there. I was overjoyed when I saw a post titled "14 yr old told me something shocking. how do I handle this". I already knew it was going to be good before even clicking on it. Well, surprise surprise, it was just as funny as I expected. Question and commentary follows below. I deleted a couple useless paragraphs. The rest is unedited from its source.

ok even with the anon feature I'm terrified to write this but I have no one I feel I can talk to about this, not even my husband.

My 14 year old often gets really moody and won't explain why. I often put it down to hormones and her period.
That's probably a good assumption.

Today she was acting especially moody and strange and I insisted she talk to me. She finally texted me the words "I'm bisexual"
This is where it got really good.

I'm totally lost here. I told her I love her no matter what but I want to talk about it when she is ready. (she didn't want to talk now)
she says she has known for a really long time but I don't understand how she could have.
We are frum, lubavitch,
Well, that explains it.
she doesn't have much exposure to boys etc.
From here we can begin to see that this woman is a moron. She doesn't let her daugher 'have much exposure to boys' and is all the sudden shocked that her daughter likes girls. I don't think even she saw the irony as she typed it.

I am thinking to insist she takes on extra shiurim
This woman doesn't get it, does she? Why does she think that extra Torah shiurim will help her daughter become more attracted to guys? Why does she think exposing her daughter to only girls will keep her straight?
and I plan on monitoring more carefully what she does on her tablet,
Too late dummy.
but I don't want her to feel like it means I don't love or accept her.
Please help me, I feel like I'm drowning I'm so lost

This woman is clearly very stupid. She doesn't let her daughter hang around guys and gets so shocked that she ends up liking girls. She probably also thinks that her daughter uses her tablet only to watch Rebbe videos. The mother's solutions to these problems are exponentially more stupid and dumb than her parenting ideas to begin with.

Solution: A couple hours in Lefferts Park and she'll be straightened right up.