COLlive’s Singles Circus

On September 1st, COLlive treated us to yet another installment of The Crown Heights Singles Pity Parade. This time it was 28-year-old Chaya, whining that there is no programming for singles in Crown Heights. She cries, “We’re looking for support. We’re looking for Shidduch suggestions. Shabbos meals. Dating events. Shadchanim remembering us.”

Sounds tragic, right?

So I did the unthinkable. I emailed her. I offered exactly what she claimed she wanted: a singles meal. Informal, friendly, bring a friend if you like. Problem solved.

Her reply? “Unfortunately, not available this week.”

That is it. No, “Please invite me next time.” No, “Here’s my number, add me to the group.” No, “I’d love to come another week.” Nothing. Just a polite brush-off.

Translation: she doesn’t want solutions, she wants sympathy and attention. She wants her name in lights, not her butt in a chair at a Shabbos table. The crisis is not “no programs.” The crisis is that half these “older singles” don’t actually want to get married enough to show up. They want to write op-eds about how unfair life is because complaining is easier than doing the work.

But wait, it gets better. A week later, Michal Weiss from Living Chassidus decided to ride in on her nonprofit horse and “respond” to Chaya.

Oh boy.

Chaya was asking for men. A way to meet men. You know, those strange creatures required for the mitzvah of marriage. Michal responds with classes on Sichos, a “Life Skills” series, and a community of other women.

Apparently Michal's solution is that you should meet other single women. I guess that works well if you are a lesbian.

Then comes the pièce de résistance: the shidduch event! Ready? All the girls sit in a circle and announce what they are looking for in a guy. And then the other girls think of the guys who weren't good enough for them that they dumped previously and whisper them to Michal to sic them on the other poor girls in the room.

You cannot make this up. Instead of actually meeting men, they sit in a circle like a middle school slumber party swapping sappy ex stories. This is a parody of itself. Invite some guys for the straight girls. It is not that radical.

Michal brags about “countless sheva brachos” as proof of success. Amazing. Because nothing helps Chaya get married like sitting through another seven speeches about someone else’s marriage. That is like telling a starving man, “Don’t worry, we just opened another all-you-can-eat buffet… but it is invitation only.”

And then, get this, they are starting a shul for single women. A segregated synagogue where the spinsters can gather and grow old together in perfect tznius. Mazel tov. It is not a solution; it is a psychology exhibit to see how long these girls last before finding love amongst themselves. “Come see the rare Crown Heights singles in their natural habitat, fed weekly with shiurim and salads.”

Michal is not tone-deaf, she is the conductor of the orchestra. Everything she builds is designed to keep women in her orbit single forever. Because once they get married, they do not need her. Living Chassidus does not want marriages, it wants members.

So here is the reality check. Chaya does not want a husband, she wants an audience. Michal does not want marriages, she wants membership. And COLlive does not want solutions, they want inbox tears for clicks.

That is why nothing changes. Because nobody in this little ecosystem is actually incentivized for singles to stop being single. Some people are so stupid,

This is not a shidduch crisis. It is a reality crisis.