Well well, COL, another day, another op-ed vomited onto the internet, and here I am again, forced to clean up your mess. This week’s offender is Chiena Friedman, who titled her piece “Let’s Jump Off The Shidduchim Merry Go Round.” Bold title, shame about the content, because instead of “jumping off,” Chiena climbs back on, straps herself in, and demands that the ride operator double the ticket price.
She starts off with this sleight-of-hand:
“This op-ed suggested that we pretend there are no shadchanim, and as community individuals, feel it is our obligation to help make matches. I couldn’t agree more!”
Oh really? Because what follows is a 1,500-word sanctimonious monologue about why shadchanim are indispensable holy figures who need more money. That is not “agreeing,” with the previous op-ed, that is intellectual fraud. It is like saying “I couldn’t agree more with veganism,” then tearing into a ribeye mid-sentence (which is actually something I enjoy doing, much to the horror of the vegan onlookers).
And then, her proud innovation: something she calls “facilitation.”
“Simply facilitating the dates. Making sure that both sides are at the same place if necessary, conveying whatever level of communication is appropriate, referring to a dating coach or mental health counselor if necessary, and then otherwise stepping out.”
Wow, really revolutionary! A professional adult babysitter whose sacred role is to text two people the address of a coffee shop. If you need “facilitation” to make sure you and your date show up in the same place at the same time, you're clearly not ready for marriage; you need a babysitter. Marriage requires communication on slightly more complex matters than “are you free at 8?”
And this part about referring people to a dating coach or therapist? Translation: I will text you a WhatsApp and then punt you to someone else who charges more money. Fantastic value-add, truly the Goldman Sachs of shidduchim.
She laments how difficult it is to get two people out on a date. Here's a thought: if it takes you 30 tries to land one coffee date, maybe you are terrible at your job. In literally any other industry, that is not proof you deserve a raise, that is proof you should be fired and try your hand at something more your speed, like folding napkins.
But of course, her punchline lands right on schedule:
“Perhaps we need to adjust the compensation we offer shadchanim as well as facilitators.”
Ah yes, the Uberification of shidduchim. Everyone else in the community should hustle, network, and “make three phone calls a week,” but the professionals still get to collect their cut, now with a pay hike. This is not community service, it is a cartel ensuring community discipline.
And do not miss the self-serving emotional manipulation:
“Anyone who takes the time to help with shidduchim deserves to feel like a million bucks.”
Now we finally get to the point! Chiena feels underappreciated, and instead of admitting her ideas flop, she demands that the rest of us pay tribute so she can feel like a million bucks. And of course, she finishes by scolding the community for not appreciating shadchanim enough. Classic move: when in doubt, guilt-trip the customer. Sorry, but this is not a respect problem, it is a competence problem. Respect is earned by results, not demanded by op-ed.
So let us be honest. The real merry-go-round is not shidduchim. The real merry-go-round is COL’s editorial desk, spinning in circles, cranking out one shadchan-defense manifesto after another. At this point, just rename the site Shadchanim Advocacy Weekly. Next week’s headline: “Why you should always sometimes maybe use a shadchan and pay them infinite amounts of money.”
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